What makes me angry

I’d forgotten what made me angry.

It was the apathy and smugness

The intelligence and the stress

It was the two-sidedness

The politeness

And the political centrists

It was the fucking fence

The insecurity

And the stupid defensiveness

It was all those categories

The nothingness

And the flirty superficial love

It was the procrastination

The long words

And the fleeting vertigo

All this and none of it

That’s what made me angry.

I’d forgotten and didn’t see it coming.

Now I’m floored staring up at the world

Bloodied nose and eye blue going black.

Sky spinning and falling

I thought it had gone

But I’d just turned my back

Let it go on without me

It’s good to be back.

I’ve got a whole lot of work to do.

A lesson learned

The one person who listened,
isn't listening any more.

The one person who cared,
doesn't care any more.

The one person from whom I took so much,
isn't giving any more.

And it takes a while to get used to that.

This new world.

This frightening world.

In which I'm not as assured
as I once was

In which I'm not as happy
as I once was

In which I'm not as stable
as I once was

I thought I'd be more exciting, more outgoing,
just as carefree, just as sure.

That's the truth.

But I never realised how much of me
was built on you.

Built on your comradeship and trust,
your ear and word.

Now I know.

Now I know.

And it's a hard lesson to learn,
that I can tell you.

It's a very hard lesson to learn.

It's a lesson so hard that
I don't feel I'll ever stop learning it,
that I'll ever grow out of this pain,
that I'll ever move on.

That's a hard lesson to learn.

And it’s one that I know was my fault.
One that I know I could have avoided.

But how was I to know that then.

I could have known it.
A better man would have known it.

But I didn't.

And for that, it seems
I must tear myself to pieces,
and write these frenzied words

So that I never forget.

So that in the future I can say,
this is a lesson that I've learned,
it's not one that I need to learn again.

Now lost,

Words trickle and yet don’t run

Frozen in the moment’s breeze

Another turn wasted and done

Searching for the suited keys

Sit. Watch time pass again

Pressure? Until dawn maybe.

Breathe and wait until then

Eyes blurred, tears cold

Talking’s not wanted here

Stories bored already told

Clutching nothing but fear

I can’t play, I never learned

Not picked, never hurt

Now lost,

On Spades and Pills

The tapping of this keyboard reassures me that I have something to say,

When I know that beneath the layers of my decaying persona

Lies nothing but a confused anaesthetized pain.

And yet I go on, digging deeper, scratching away

at the surface, hoping to reveal some answer, some fate.

But the spade never hits stone, never reaches solid ground.

I am baseless, without foundation.

The digging will never end.

I must blunt the blade.

I must take the pill. 

The Paddlesworth Blues

I stood alone at the door of dawn
Staring into the dark unkown
Wondering whether to fall
or to call
so sick of it all.

Seventeen years of life, love and shit
A life-time of hurt,
wallowed and spun
With four more to come
till I'm dead and done.

Relentless oncoming, train of fate
Tracks carved into my soul
Window pain unable to quell
As we pulll into hell 
the Paddlesworth cell