Monday, 15 November 2010

What makes me angry

I’d forgotten what made me angry.
It was the apathy and smugness
The intelligence and the stress

It was the two-sidedness
The politeness
And the political centrists

It was the fucking fence
The insecurity
And the stupid defensiveness

It was all those categories
The nothingness
And the flirty superficial love

It was the procrastination
The long words
And the fleeting vertigo

All this and none of it
That’s what made me angry.
I’d forgotten and didn’t see it coming.

Now I’m floored staring up at the world
Bloodied nose and eye blue going black.
Sky spinning and falling

I thought it had gone
But I’d just turned my back
Let it go on without me

It’s good to be back.
I’ve got a whole lot of work to do.

Wednesday, 29 September 2010

A lesson learned

The one person who listened,
isn't listening any more.

The one person who cared,
doesn't care any more.

The one person from whom I took so much,
isn't giving any more.

And it takes a while to get used to that.

This new world.

This frightening world.

In which I'm not as assured
as I once was

In which I'm not as happy
as I once was

In which I'm not as stable
as I once was

I thought I'd be more exciting, more outgoing,
just as carefree, just as sure.

That's the truth.

But I never realised how much of me
was built on you.

Built on your comradeship and trust,
your ear and word.

Now I know.

Now I know.

And it's a hard lesson to learn,
that I can tell you.

It's a very hard lesson to learn.

It's a lesson so hard that
I don't feel I'll ever stop learning it,
that I'll ever grow out of this pain,
that I'll ever move on.

That's a hard lesson to learn.

And it’s one that I know was my fault.
One that I know I could have avoided.

But how was I to know that then.

I could have known it.
A better man would have known it.

But I didn't.

And for that, it seems
I must tear myself to pieces,
and write these frenzied words

So that I never forget.

So that in the future I can say,
this is a lesson that I've learned,
it's not one that I need to learn again.

Now lost,

Words trickle and yet don’t run
Frozen in the moment’s breeze
Another turn wasted and done
Searching for the suited keys
Sit. Watch time pass again
Pressure? Until dawn maybe.
Breathe and wait until then
Eyes blurred, tears cold
Talking’s not wanted here
Stories bored already told
Clutching nothing but fear
I can’t play, I never learned
Not picked, never hurt
Now lost,

Thursday, 19 August 2010

On Spades and Pills

The tapping of this keyboard reassures me that I have something to say,

When I know that beneath the layers of my decaying persona

Lies nothing but a confused anaesthetized pain.

And yet I go on, digging deeper, scratching away

at the surface, hoping to reveal some answer, some fate.

But the spade never hits stone, never reaches solid ground.

I am baseless, without foundation.

The digging will never end.

I must blunt the blade.

I must take the pill. 

Wednesday, 4 August 2010

The Paddlesworth Blues

I stood alone at the door of dawn
Staring into the dark unkown
Wondering whether to fall
or to call
so sick of it all.

Seventeen years of life, love and shit
A life-time of hurt,
wallowed and spun
With four more to come
till I'm dead and done.

Relentless oncoming, train of fate
Tracks carved into my soul
Window pain unable to quell
As we pulll into hell 
the Paddlesworth cell